Six months ago I was here, inhabiting the same bone and body. I slinked onto wooden benches and straightened my spine upon seat.
Six months ago I was alone. Sort of. I walked into a cafe, not knowing any better, only knowing that I had to. Six months ago--was I happier?
You're so amicable. Sweet-natured, earnest. Earnest, that really is the word for you. You started a conversation and I--how many times can I rephrase and reword and relive those moments of savor? Do they echo for you? They mold for me and become malleable in my hands.
I can't change you and I can't pretend to stay happy. I can remember happiness and try and grasp at it, but it is not the same as yours, which is genuine. If I was half, you would be whole. I'm sure of it.
By default you make me feel that I dwell in unhappiness. It's not your fault, really. But by being the effing ray of sunshine you are, I am a huddled mask undercovers, whining and weeping. I realize I am no longer that stronghold I once was. Dare I become and utter the word "dependent." Oh you. How do I stay with you when my mind stretches to thoughts of ending? I can't stretch you thin without saying goodbye.
Do I want to end this? Am I sabotaging for greater good? For any good? Who am I saving? I deserve happiness. I want it, like everyone wants peace. But unsettled. How do I break this to you without breaking your heart? How do I do this without breaking my own? Is this not right or is this so right that I have no right to walk away from it?
I don't know. I just know that these oscillations are driving me crazy. I feel for you and I feel daunted and complicated. You say I am difficult and I must agree. How do I do this. How do I fix this. How do I not disappoint both me and you. How do I make this something not lost--by either being content or by losing it without remorse?
I don't know why this is occurring. I don't know how to make it stop. I hope it works for the best. I hope it quells. Really I do.
